Getting ready for Babumoshay Joy’s wedding

Source: https://goo.gl/AC843A 

Joy’s wedding is round the corner, and Muktha and I are gearing up for the big day more than the groom himself. His wedding has been our point of discussion for months. And in spite of him moving from Cochin to Hyderabad, the excitement over his big day has built enormously with time. But what makes it even more thrilling are the tips Joy has given us to prepare for his wedding. He says since we are south Indians, there’s a lot we need to learn about the Bengali wedding. Me having seen a couple of Bengali weddings before doesn’t count, apparently. So, from how to dress and what to expect, there’s a masaledaar list of tips that Muktha and I are going to follow to the T.  

*Disclaimer: This might offend Bengalis, but trust me, I made this list with Joy’s help, and so if you have anything to say, I’ll give you his email id/number. ;) Take it up with him, I say!

Here goes…THE TIPS!!!

1. Cover what’s black. Having been told a million times that we are black (and fat) wasn’t enough; now we have to change that. Since it’s too late to try fair & lovely, Muktha and I are stocking up on gallons of pink foundation to cover our black skin. The arms will stay black to go with the Bengali tradition of keeping everything ugly.
2. Kerala is non-existent. If the Punjabis hadn’t told you that already, the Bengalis would do it for you. Bengalis cut out the southern portion of the map of India to wrap fish from the market; but not before they spotted Madras. So in Calcutta, when anybody asks us where we are from, we will say Kerala, but we’ll still be referred to as Madrasis. We’ve got to deal with that!
3. Ugly is normal. So even if you think you’re going to be an epitome of south Indian elegance, be assured that you are wasting your time and money. Prepare for ghastliness – ghastly clothes, ghastly make up (check point no.1), ghastly everything. If it’s not ghastly, it’s not Bengali.
4. It doesn’t matter which part of the country or world you come from, if you don’t know Bengali, you might as well be communicating with ET. Conversations with the elderly will be baffling to say the least. And most of the time, they’d be badgering you for being a black Madrasi.
5. On the same note as No. 4 – if by any chance you meet someone who CAN speak English or even Hindi, get ready to process their pronunciation in your Madrasi head. The vowel “O” is omnipresent. It appears in words you wouldn’t have ever imagined. It opens up a whole new world of etymology. 
6. Fish is vegetarian, you like it or not. So be prepared to eat fish. Don’t argue – you’d probably get badgered with more Bengali and you don’t want to encounter that, trust me.
7. Being subtle is the opposite of being non-Bengali. So go full on with the perfume. Ideally when you walk into a room it should gag the people in it.
8. There’s no such thing as “personal”. Be prepared to be asked why you aren’t married, why you are divorced, or why you don’t have any children yet, and other inappropriate questions, in full public view. Answer with a rational offhandedness – because this obviously is not offensive or embarrassing for you in any way!

So there! Eight fabulous tips to prepare Muktha and me for Joy’s wedding. The bags are packed, and we leave in a few hours… Can’t wait for the drama to unfold. Yippie!!!