- You look under the bed when your hairbrush, sunscreen or deodorant goes missing. If you find it there, you use it and put it back under the bed cuz it’s gonna find its way back there anyway.
- You find plastic numbers in the fridge.
- You get up in between a meal to wipe poop/pee off the floor. Sometimes the second time in the same day.
- You have a little hand wedged in your hair all night.
- Peeing, bathing, brushing your teeth, changing clothes become spectator sport.
- Shopping means looking over your shoulders and playing peekaboo around the clothes stands. And occasionally getting heart attacks when the hider goes missing. For exactly 6 seconds.
- “The Big Video Time” on Boogie Beebies (Cbeebies) makes you jump out of your chair and break into a dance.
- The kid’s meal time makes you feel like an accomplished goalkeeper.
- You realize why patience is a virtue when you answer the billionth time what colour a flower is. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink.
- You get kicked in the groin, slapped on the face, poked in the ribs (and then the little hand enters your mane) before you fall asleep, dead beat.
- Weekdays mean sleeping till 9am, and weekends start at 6.30am. Sigh.
- Social outings without the kid mean looking at the watch every 10 minutes.
- Alcohol is consumed only in strict quantities (if consumed at all) to ensure minimal hangover the next day. Especially if the next day is a weekend. Sigh.
- You cringe when your kid gets beaten up by another kid. And cringe even more when your kid beats up another kid.
- You forget to pick up milk at the supermarket, but remember to stock up on packets of Gems.
- Cuss words like shit, fuck, goddammit are replaced with shucks, oh no and oh god. Sometimes even AAAAaaaarrrrrrggghhhHHH.
- Reading a storybook means putting a mimicry artist to shame with voice modulations every 0.03 seconds.
- You get away on a romantic 24-hr holiday without the kid; and all you can talk about with your spouse is, yes you guessed it, the kid.
Despite all the quirks, when the day is interspersed with enough BIGGA's (kiddie for Big Hug, thank you Teletubbies) and Kissies, it just makes all the quirks worth it.
Photo courtesy: Saritha Rajagopal
You know how it is—people log into Facebook for different reasons. To find old and new friends. To socialise with total strangers and find dates. To find out what’s happening in people’s lives without anyone knowing how close to being a stalker you are. To show off your happy lives. To moan your sad lives. Blah blah and more blah.
But I am sure there are friends that really get your goat with their irksome sharing habits. Here are some of my observations of people who come online only to:
Share life advice: Smile, be happy, love your family, forget your sorrows, tread the path of life with hope, look forward to good things in life, life is a blessing, respect your life, ra ra ra. You get so tired reading it that any picture with a sun in the horizon and a road going right into it makes you want to quickly scroll down so you don’t accidently learn a new lesson about, well, LIFE!
Declare their love: I love you is passé. Hearts, forlorn lover girl (usually a sad looking blonde teenager girl), flowers, park benches, and candy sweet wordings—You are my life (AGAIN!!!), my heart beats only for you, thank god you are in my life (I can’t do this anymore), I am committed to you, my life would be meaningless without your love, why did you break my heart (I think I can finally forgive Annu Mallik)… I know you love your boyfriend, fiancé, husband, wife, whatever. I do too. But please, this Fb PDA is just insufferable.
Display their piousness: This one needs special mention. There are FBites who live just so that they can spread the word of God. He will come to redeem you, Don’t lose hope in him, Share this picture and you will blessed for life, He will never let go of your hand (Good he won’t, or I’d thrash you). The worse—it all comes in a barrage; like ten photographs in one go and you’re ready to unfriend your pious friend for good.
Show off their anatomies: I am fed up, and I can say this again, FED UP, of looking at the close up shots of your eyes, your nose, your lips, your hair, your whatever the bloody f***, just get off my page you narcissist. I’d appreciate your lovely DP or that amazing cover photo, ‘like’ it and even comment on it if it really moves me; but please—I don’t want to see (again and again and again) how lovely (or so you think OBVIOUSLY) your anatomy is. Spare me the entertainment.
Share pictures of really, really sick people: I welcome your compassion behind the ‘share’, but seriously, if you think Fb is going to offer $1 for every share to the baby with the heart outside his body or the lady with the burnt face, you need a reality check. Creating awareness is one thing; causing emotional distress on an enjoyable platform like Fb is not cool, man, not cool at all.
Voice your “mammoth” opinions: Fb is sure a democratic platform for opinion sharing (although a lot of people in India don’t think so). But when your opinion about the turn of events in a political scene, a major sporting event or a religious event spans three paragraphs and has obscure words that one has to look up the dictionary to understand, it means just one thing—you are showing off, buddy. There is a reason why the “Share how you are feeling today” status bar is just one line. Try to be concise. Or better still, turn to blogger.com. Please.
Family photos, pictures and messages about get-togethers and parties with friends, travel plans and excitements, even those awkward amateur pictures are fun! Of course, in the end, to each his own. After all, every post offers some sort of entertainment to someone. The ‘Likes’ say it all…
