Old “Cocktail” in a new Glass

Warning: If you haven’t watched the movie “Cocktail” yet, let me warn you, this post may be a spoiler. So stop reading now if you intend to watch it!

“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” Says a 43-going-on-32 Saif in one of the first few shots of the movie, to his super-hot Chinese client. The result? She smiles…and the day is saved! My frst thoughts: How lame!!!

A 40-plus actor playing a 20-something is pretty normal in Bollywood (for instance Aamir Khan in you-know-which-movie!). But when that 40-plus guy looks like he needs truckloads of Botox or perhaps a tiny white face mask, the impact is pretty disastrous, I promise. 

Poor Saif. He not just looks ancient; he sounds ancient too. And when he mouths those unbelievably corny lines, and the girls actually fall for it, I am aghast (well, almost!) 

I’m transported back to the Kal Ho Na Ho days, when Saif looked like a dish. And those lines (written a whole lot better) sounded like music to the ears. 

This time, back to his “flirtatious ways”, Saif plays a 32 year old guy, based in London, who loves women. He courts them, flirts with them, sleeps with them, moves on to the next one and yaaawwwnn. Meera (Diana Penty), from a brief experience in the recent past, knows what Gautam (Saif ) is like. So when her friend Veronica (a super hot Deepika Padukone) and Gautam start dating, she has her hazard lights on. She calls Gautam a “soo-arr” (swine) and makes sure there is always a one-arm distance between them. Of course, Gautam, doesn’t give up trying to woo Meera, despite his live-in status with her friend. 

A few scenes later, the “friends” are in Cape Town for a holiday. And while they are all busy singing Tumhi Ho Bandhu, Sakha Tumhi, “Lauu” happens between Gautam and Meera. No, I swear, it does! I didn’t miss vital scenes or dialogues. And no, I didn’t sleep through 30 minutes of the movie. They just fall in love… like that! Okay, yes, Gautam does say stuff like, “Meera, you are the kind of girl nobody would ever want to let go of…” But didn’t we fall for stuff like that in school? C’mon Meera! (((eye rolling)))

Sigh… Wake up now, there are some interesting complications coming up. Veronica is in love with Gautam. TA DA!! Can you believe that? How original! But, anyway, after acting really difficult, she finally ensures that the “lauuvers” are united…followed by an essential group hug. Awwwww….. brilliant! :(

Apart from the “original” storyline, I had some other grouses too. The first half had some not-so-bad funny one-liners and retorts; but, with NIL background score. Just like watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. without the laughter track, you know what I mean. Or say, like watching Tom & Jerry without the banging and squealing and jangling and rattling and clattering. Punch lines…followed by silence. Cut to next scene. Zero impact!

Another one: why were the men so unkempt? From Saif and Randeep Hooda to Boman Irani; they looked like they had neither showered nor shaved in ages!!! 

That brings me to another grouse—why Boman Irani? In a bit role, this fine actor was wasted. 

And what "friendship"??? In fact, this is a really a bad take on any friendship. Seriously, who wrote this stuff!!!

What I liked?

The girls—Deepika was ravishing (she rocked the red bikini). She played the rich bitch to the T. Diana was pretty and refreshing; and very unlike a newcomer in her performance. Dimple Kapadia put up a laugh riot. Perrrfect! 

I also liked the music; but for “Second hand jawani”; which to be honest, is an apt song for Saif right now. Or maybe it should have been “expired jawani”. 

I’m not going to hate you if you love it

 
Let’s be clear here. I have watched movies like Cocktail before; and I have liked them. But this one somehow did not work for me at different levels. But I’m not going to argue with you if you don’t agree with me here. After all, many of you were only surprised (and did not kill me) when I said I liked Ra.One. (((sheepish grin))). Yes, I’m a devout SRK fan (although, right now, he does look like he needs more than just Botox). 

But, to be honest, I think Bol Bachchan deserved 4 stars more than Cocktail did. You know what? Go watch Bol Bachchan instead. It’s slapstick, it’s bawdy, it’s stupid; but it’s a pukka ROFL movie! ;) 

Did you just say that? Ah! Yes! You did!

Everybody says weird things. You know, stuff that makes you go, “Mmmmm, Whattt!?” Most are funny, others are strange, some are mean or silly…but it’s stuff that you want to write down. So, I have! 

This is not about “Oh, how could you say such a thing to me” kinda ranting. It’s more like, “Oh! Ok! It’s strange you said that…Hmm” and followed by, maybe a plastic smile, or a smart retort or some such similar reaction. A lot of stuff is also reaction to weird things I have said. So basically, I had fun writing this down. Here goes… 

Said Moideen Museem in 2006 at Hitech Outsourcing Services in Cochin, when I commented on a girl he was apparently interested in: “You’re just jealous cuz she is fairer than you are…” My reaction: “What!!!” Followed by an enraged, “I can’t believe an educated young man like you can talk like that!” 

Said Sreedevi Jayaprakash in 2012 at DropCap Media, during an evening snack session while weight gain was being discussed: “Nina, you can have one less Pazhampori (banana fry)…” My reaction: I ate two!

Said Sumi Thomas in 2012 at her place, when I went to see her during her last trimester of pregnancy. She was expecting a Taurian child: “I have never liked Taurians. But Nina, you are quite okay, girl (sic).” My reaction: Smile. (In my head: a relieved Thank you.)

Said Maijo Abraham in 2007 at Hitech Outsourcing Services when we discussed my impending meeting with his parents: “But my mother will be disappointed that you are dark…” My reaction: Blank expression. (In my head: she should be glad I agreed to marry you!)

Said Shabna John in 2006 at Hitech Outsourcing Services, after her friend, who came to see her, met us (Maijo, me and another friend) and had left: “Ubin thinks you all look older to me!!” My reaction: Oh wow! Don’t look so happy, Shabna. (In my head: Ahem!) 

Said the dudette who runs Sole Sisters blog (or whatever that is) over Fb in 2012, when I commented tongue-in-cheek about a pair of street urchin-like shoes she had posted on the blog: “Just because you don’t like it, it doesn’t mean it is not nice.” My reaction: LOL! (In my head: LOL! FO!!!)

Said Saritha Rajagopal over Fb in 2012, when I commented something cheeky (which many of her friends “liked”) on her funny status: “Shaadi ho gayi, baccha ho gaya, ab toh sudhar jao Nina Nair.” My reaction: Shaadi aur baccha are not tickets to losing one’s sense of humour. (In my head: Ok, so all your guy friends who were thinking, “who could be this woman who cracked such a witty joke” now know that I am married and a mom…so, job well done, Saritha :D)

Said my cousin, a couple of years back, at my place: “Look at the size of your butt. Must be the result of your work out on your new treadmill…Huh?” My reaction: Yeah, you are right. (In my head: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Nina. Ignore.) 

Said my school senior Pallavi Chowdhary many years ago, when she heard I had passed a comment on her: “Nina, did you say I have a constipated expression?” My reaction: Hmmm…aaaa…mmm..phewww…Yeeeaaaaa…. (In my head: “F***, I should have noticed her boyfriend’s little sister overhearing what I said…Darn!!!”

Said my Brother-in-law in 2012 as we were excitedly decorating the house with streamers and balloons for Kuku’s (my daughter) 2nd birthday party: “What are you trying to achieve from all this?” My reaction: When you have a child, you will understand. Now, you won’t! (In my head: Go climb a tree!)

Said an ex-boyfriend many years ago: “You are not the type who’d look after my parents if I’m away…” My reaction: Coughing…spluttering… throat clearing… WHAT! (In my head: “I hope you find your bharatiya naari soon, loser!”)

Said Veena Suri in 2006 over a phone chat: “Get married now. Enough of working!!!” My reaction: LOLOLOL!!!! 

Said Mother-in-law in 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012: “When our relatives heard what Maijo had done (fall in love, that too with a Hindu girl…Jesus Christ), they couldn’t believe it. MAIJO???!!! Of all the people???!!!” My reaction: Smile, Smile, Smile, Smile, Smile, Smile. (In my head: Evil laugh, Evil laugh, Evil laugh, Evil laugh, Evil laugh, Evil laugh)

That’s it for now, I guess. Or at least that’s all my memory has managed to come up with. But keep revisiting this post; you never know; you could make it here! ;)